for jane

as i get older (more creaks, more ghosts) i realise that there are few things in us that never change.

one in particular.

i was looking at a photo of an old friend on her myspace page (a friend that i seen once or twice since we parted ways back in the late 80's) and there it was.

the smile that still showed the 20 something that i had fallen head over heels for in my time as an angry silly young punk.

we had a great and awkward long distance romance after she booked my band. she introduced me to a better san francisco, good punk musics, underground comics, jello biafra spoken word, walking barefoot in the city, the world of zines, and the art of using random phrases to name punk bands.

all with that smile.

she even charmed my then roomate, the contrarian mr. zinder. he loved her smile.

we broke up on good terms and have gotten in touch from time to time.

she probably doesn't know what a profound influence she has had on my life, since back then i could barely tell anyone what they meant to me, but she gave me a shove in the right direction. she was honest, thoughtful and never full of herself. smart, too. and for some reason she liked me.

i wasn't too proud of myself in that period, yet here was someone i admired showing me what a little confidence could do. and to try to smile. more by the junior zen example of seeing the world with that smile.

and lord, how remembering to carry that smile has gotten me through death, disease, divorce, insanity, fair weather friends and clumsy dates.

years later i'm looking at her photos, and there she is beaming with some young turks.

that smile.

it was good to know that we have both kept our smiles, no matter what.

and to a great extant, i owe her that smile.

now i can (sort of) say thanks.

and junior zen example would make a great punk band name.